Nothing
by HillyHuddy
Summary: "Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it." MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 4x18


_Ok, so... I just had to write this, even though I have no idea how I came up with it. I was so confused, emotionally, by the last night's episode, that had to be taken out on something, so I took it out on my keyboard and wrote this. _

_How on Earth can it be possible to want the two people to work their problems out and at the same time hurt for the ones that have this... thing, that really isn't something you like. HOW? _

_Those damn, brilliant writers, that's how. They play with our minds, make us think about the whole thing. And.. I have no idea what's really in Alicia's soul, I kinda interpreted it like this. I hope I didn't do as bad a job as I think I did._

_Anyway, this is sort of filler in for the last night's episode, so it's safe to say it wouldn't make much sense if you didn't watch the episode, so that means SPOILER ALERT for 4x18 as well. Hope you will at least see where I'm coming from, if you end up not liking it. Take care guys! (quote is by Mitch Albom)_

* * *

**_"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it." _****_  
_**

* * *

The same tune had been playing in her head ever since she'd been informed of her client's death. She had tried to shake it away, but it was stuck there, with no sign of going away anytime soon. It was making her very, very uneasy, just like it had, some year before, when she'd been forced to listen to it every time she'd been in a meeting with her, at that time still alive, client.

She didn't dare think about why that Bach composition had left such an impression on her. That was why she did what she'd been doing best for as long as she'd know herself. She took a deep breath and tried to bury that thought somewhere back inside her head, accepting that it would probably just rot there until it resurfaced again, causing her even greater problems.

However, she hadn't thought that those would emerge so quickly.

The unofficial Saint Patrick party, taking place at the police station, made a good enough background noise for her to easily get lost in her thoughts. The moment she had let herself go, the Bach started playing again, only this time taking her to one hotel room, to one arrogantly sexy lawyer. Taking her to one time that seemed like it had been happening in an alternate universe, time when she'd let go, when she'd let herself not think about anything, not care about anything, at least for as long as she had been there with him, in a hotel room, no one in the world but the two of them.

But just like a distant year before, the reality had brought her back to earth , as one sassy young woman, she had helped become a lawyer, asked her if everything was alright.

She wished to say no, that she was torn, that her whole being was in a huge contradiction, that she was aching and wanting to find a way to solve her problem. However, somehow the question had managed to confuse her and she muttered a couple of unrelated words.

A moment after the woman went on with her business, she was left standing there, with an even bigger mess in her head.

She felt like the future was right in front of her, but her past hadn't been over just yet. What was the worst, she wasn't sure what was her present. She was stuck in something that strongly resembled some kind of a spinning circle, or rather a black hole, where everything became nothing and nothing became everything.

She wanted to see past her past,so much. She wanted to live in the present and look forward to the future. Future she could only picture with her husband, with her family, but somehow, the thoughts of past managed to cut through that setting.

Her head was telling her what she needed to know, but her heart was playing a tune that wasn't following her head's pace.

Again, she let herself drift away to those memories that seemed so far away, though, she knew, still in her reach. Only a phone call away.

A talk away.

A kiss away.

A hotel room away.

And just like that- she would find herself back at square one.

* * *

In reality, she'd only gotten to step one.

Of course, he would rush down to see her and make sure she was alright. She got terrified of how easily it was to flirt with him, smile at him, give him a naughty eye.

He looked good- he had that sparkle in his eyes, that sparkle that only appeared when he looked at her. That sparkle that led to mind blowing sex and stolen moments she could now let exist only in her head. That sparkle that she'd have to start being resilient to. That sparkle she'd have to start ignorning.

Just like she had been doing with that Bach tune.

She gave herself the luxury to enjoy him a little bit longer, though. His sly smile, his over-confident posture, the way he looked in his tuxedo, his bow tie crooked just enough for her to want to reach out and fix it. She became aware of the way he looked and always would look at her, the way he made her feel- like she was burning inside out, not knowing how to deal with the consequences of the little world the two of them had made for themselves. The world that could now exist only in their memories and those stolen glances which made her heart swell with sadness.

That sadness soon became too great and finally replaced the smile that had been playing on her face ever since he'd come down to the station. It enveloped her, reminding her of why it had always been there.

He represented everything that could've happened in her life if things had been different. A road that she'd never taken. After the wreck her family had suffered, she had found herself thinking she had the right to see what her life would've been like. She'd thought that she owed it to herself after all she'd been through. To take a peek of what was behind that door. The stolen glances were like a peep hole to the life she could've had.

No one could live in a fantasy world, though. She'd just conveniently decided to forget that, making her end up being a hypocrite, even considering herself a two faced woman, something she'd always despised.

And now she was sitting there, looking her fantasy in the eyes and thinking how really, she hadn't behaved any different than her husband. Or, rather, she'd behaved even worse. The joke was on her in the end and it was time to stop being selfish.

There was nothing more to do then tell him she was back with her husband, even though she'd made that decision right there and then. She'd always held the cards when it came to the new relationship her and her husband had recently started. Her former lover's face changed- what he'd just heard broke his heart and she hoped it had served its purpose. He deserved to live a better life, he deserved to live his future, because she was trying to live hers. Doing it effectively wasn't possible, as long as she knew he was there, constantly waiting for her, leaving the door to their fantasy world open as long as she'd let him.

A tear slipped down her cheek.

There was a pain in her chest.

Like a wake up call, came a call from her daughter and as she picked the phone up,she knew the door had been closed behind.

* * *

The way back to the party was a silent one. Apart from the Bach melody still playing over and over again. She was pretty sure she was going to get crazy if it didn't stop soon.

Of course, plenty of things had taken place by the time she'd gotten back. One particular even managed to put a smile to her face- her husband had punched their biggest enemy, stood up for their family.

However, she soon recalled another event, which had been the purpose of her daughter's call. That was yet to be dealt with and the thought of that made her smile fade away.

Sooner than she could grasp, she found herself sitting in the bottom of the staircase with her fifteen-year-old, trying to think about ways to right the wrong that had been caused by things the teenager was better of not knowing.

She'd had so many doubts before she'd had them, her kids.

Doubts her husband had never had. Even back then, she had been contemplating her life. But the contemplating had stopped the moment they had been brought in her life. They'd cleared every doubt away.

Her daughter wanted to know that she and her brother hadn't been just accidents, mistakes.

She didn't want to think of herself as a reason why her mom was still married to her dad, unhappy. She wanted to know that she was the reason why they'd wanted to be responsible, not that she had been a way of fixing their relationship.

And then, it came to her, in the moment she'd never expected. It just came out of her mouth, the answer, or at least a part of what she'd needed to know herself.

It wasn't about responsibility, it was about love.

Just like always, her daughter helped her realize things she'd forgotten she'd known already.

This, this was her life. Right in front of her. Her children, her family, her everything. She would do everything for them, she loved them with ever fiber of her body, with every piece of her soul. It was the one thing that kept her grounded, even though she'd been surprised both times she'd found out about their impending existence. She loved them from the very moment.

She looked at Grace, tears in her eyes, as she choked out she loved her husband as well.

There would be no more denying that she loved him. She had tried to keep him at arm's length, tried to make it about physical and nothing more, but, she failed.

She couldn't pretend that they were back in each others' lives, because she really did love him, she had never stopped loving him.

No matter that she still had feelings for that arrogantly sexy lawyer. That door of her life had been closed and even though it made her sad, like a movie can make you sad when it ends, or a good book, it helped knowing he had taken the hint and a step into his future. At least it had looked that way, from the way he had been talking with the sassy female lawyer, which she really hoped could make him happy.

Because, in her bones, she knew she never could. Not entirely, anyway.

They just didn't belong in this universe. Not together.

Maybe there was the two of them, somewhere, happy, leading their lives together, having figured everything out. But this, this was reality. And there, people get hurt.

She just hoped there was a slim chance she could have her peace back, which now mainly consisted of getting rid of that melody playing in her head.

* * *

A little while later she'd found herself in the arms of her husband. It felt good to be there. Something was telling her it was where she belonged and the thought brought a smile to her face.

They started swaying and the lull matched the pace of that Bach composition, which was troubling her so much. This made her remember of yet another event, of a man that had paid a price for wanting to spend time with her. She wished she could say he had been the only one.

This was the moment she would put an end to all that suffering, all of that mess. At least she really, really hoped so.

Her husband couldn't help but notice how distant she'd become. She smiled softly at him. She'd told him it was just a memory.

A memory of nothing.

And like that, her past became just that.

Nothing.

The music in her head had finally stopped.

* * *

**_And then, you let go._**

* * *

_Would love to hear your thoughts :)_


End file.
